Champion of the Day: Hungry Bleached Hair Dude

It was hot today. And I was grumpy. My hand hurt from an aggravated injury, and I was limping because my ankle was sore. All I wanted to do was go into Longs, pick up some water and go home.

As I hobbled to the cash registers with my gallon of Alhambra, I was abruptly cut off by a fat guy carrying two large bags of peanut M&Ms and a big bag of Pecan Sandies. I was literally less than ten feet from lining up when this bloated wonder swooped in unapologetically and stood in front of me -- I felt his mass come up and pass me from behind, I was afraid I'd get caught in his gravity well and hurtle downwards toward the black hole that was his belly button.

Did you ever notice that whenver fat slobby people wear t-shirts, you can always make out the shape of their huge belly buttons?

I stood there in awe of his rudeness. I could hear him breathing as he waited to pay for his crunchy snack treats. I couldn't discern, however, whether those were breaths of anticipation or breaths of fatigue from exerting the energy needed to "turbo boost" past a limping man. I noticed the roll of hot dogs that made up the back of his neck, it led upwards to a patch of spiked, bleached hair -- obviously cut short to give that "slimming" effect. I wondered to myself if there was any strategic logic to his platinum blonde hair, whether it was supposed to distract people from noticing his size 48 waist.

It apparently didn't work since I was able to easily read the tag on the back of his Levi's. That leather patch on the waist of his jeans stood out like a billboard, boldly advertising the statistics: W48 L30.